Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
