When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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