there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
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