Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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