TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
