I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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