the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
