My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Randomize
