grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Woke up backwards on a recliner
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
