Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
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