If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
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