I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
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Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
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Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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