take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
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