Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Naked Twister starts at high noon
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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