I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
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