I think I died a long time ago.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
Randomize
