As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
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The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
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I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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