theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
