It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
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