you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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