Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
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