You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
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