everyone is single if you try hard enough
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
