dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
