proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
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