his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
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