Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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