I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Randomize
