trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
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