First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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