you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
