How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
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The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
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Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
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