my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
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