I think I died a long time ago.
someone get that fucking seahorse.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
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