remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Randomize
