So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
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