PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Randomize
