Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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