her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
