You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
