There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
you never un-have a 4some
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
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