oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
