Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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