I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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