Kiss
Puke
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Randomize
