tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
