Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Randomize
