you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Randomize
