Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Randomize
