This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
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