Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
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