She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
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