I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
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