if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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