I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
